I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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