FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
