How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Come on in and take your pants off
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