You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
