i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
