my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
