Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
