so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
