My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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