i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
