I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
