I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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