Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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