how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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