Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
