i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My legs feel like baby dolphins
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Randomize
