guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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