Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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