just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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