someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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