I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
