and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
