hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
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