I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
