I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Quick, to the slutcave!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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