haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
