Christians are straight up FREAKS
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
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