Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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