Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Randomize
