I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
