Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
