M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
