So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
