Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
