i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
