I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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