I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Randomize
