I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
