random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
