If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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