you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
