We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
