Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
