I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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