So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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