i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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