she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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