but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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