Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
