i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
