My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
