I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
