Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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