last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
