What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
