everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
