if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
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When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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