Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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